Me and My GPS: In a Fight to the Death

2 Oct

My GPS hates me.

No, it’s totally true. The stupid thing hates me and I’m starting to hate him back. And yes, it’s obviously a boy GPS. Even when we’re totally lost the stupid thing won’t own up to it – it just stalls and says “recalculating” over and over again, even though he totally KNEW where we were a second ago!

Can you tell I’m a little riled up over this? And you would be too if you went through the things that I did with the little buttwipe.

Here are my top 3 reasons why I think my GPS is trying to kill me and/or cause my life to be very inconvenient:

#1. I drive into Baltimore City and Washington, DC quite often. Like most large cities, they each have some really ritzy areas and some…um, not so great areas. Like really NOT GREAT areas. In Baltimore those areas have flashing blue lights that are our classy way of telling you to turn around and get the heck out of the area because shiznet is going DOWN! Yeah, well my stupid GPS will take me on a route though the ghetto EVERY SINGLE TIME! If there is an easy way to get from point A to point B, I somehow end up taking a detour through an area where I might get my stupid lost butt kicked. Or carjacked. Or worse.

Oh what’s that little green alert thingie indicating that there is no traffic? LOOK AT THIS… it’s TRAFFIC!!!

#2. I paid extra money to have a snazzy traffic alert thingie for my GPS. Since I drive on pretty much all the terrible roads in the area, I thought it would be great to get a ‘heads up’ on backups so that I can avoid them. It DOES sound great, right? And I’m sure it would be fabulous if the stupid traffic alert actually WORKED! Half the time it’s totally ignoring the fact that I’m sitting in a 10 mile backup. The other half the time it will alert me to traffic…after I’ve already been sitting in it. Um thanks, Mr. GPS, that’s so helpful for you to add 50 minutes to my commute time on your screen. That is obviously what I want to happen, rather than you do your JOB and find me an alternative route.

#3. Speaking of his sense of direction, I really think a GPS should be intuitive and LEARN from its owner which routes are preferred. I know that it’s a better idea to go on 97 then 140 because you skip a ton of traffic lights, but my GPS doesn’t know this (why DOESN’T he know about traffic lights anyways?). It would be nice if he could learn the way I like to go so that it can be included in all future directions. Of course, I wouldn’t have to choose my own route if that darn thing didn’t pick the slowest route every time! I swear it’s like I somehow checked the option for “slowest route with traffic” because that’s the one he always instructs me to follow.

My Awesome Idea
Here’s where I share an idea that’s going to blow your mind – so listen up Garmin, Magellan, TomTom and whatever else GPS maker is trolling the web. Sometimes I find my own route by using Google Maps before I leave on my trip (because it would be silly to trust an expensive device I purchased just for the task of leading me…), so why can’t I somehow upload the route that I WANT to take so that I’m not overriding his stupid directions at every turn? It kind of defeats the purpose of a GPS if I’m still struggling with looking back and forth between the road and my printed directions. Make this happen people! And send me a free unit to test, because this was totally MY idea.

I swear my last GPS wasn’t this stupid or suicidal. That girl – her name was Bridget and she had an English accent – may have gotten confused every so often but it was more endearing (oh Bridget, you silly little thing) than offensive. This little craphole (no, he doesn’t have a name because he doesn’t deserve one) better watch his back, because he may end up experiencing what it’s like to fly…into traffic on the Beltway.

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2 Responses to “Me and My GPS: In a Fight to the Death”

  1. Words for Worms October 2, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    My GPS somehow got set to avoid major highways. I was taking a road trip to visit my brand new “nephew” and that sucker got me lost in the middle of Indianapolis. There was no reason for me to see houses at all in Indiana. I was just passing on through. Now I use my phone. It’s less of an asshole.

    • JoulesDellinger October 2, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      My phone WAS awesome at showing my gps who’s boss…but now the iphone “upgraded” and the maps changed. They’re obviously plotting against me.

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