Use your Freaking Blinker

14 Sep

The runner up title for this blog post is, “If you’re Going to Cut Me Off, You’d Better Wave You Chicken Plucker!*

Can you guess my mood with traffic this week?

So, I drive a lot. I knew going in to the purchase of our house that the drive into work was going to be a bit… um, shitty. On a good, low-traffic day it takes me an hour to get to our main location. However, on a typical Baltimore/DC traffic sucks kind of day, it can take two hours.

Two hours in the car every single morning is hard. Even harder is an additional two hours to get home. All in all, it’s a great big ball of suck. But, I love my house and I love my job, so I make it work.

There are some weeks though that the traffic seems worse than ever, mainly due to the idiocy of my fellow drivers. I know that today is supposed to be a Love Today Friday and I do have a happy post coming for you. For now though, you’re getting my rant.

The top 5 things that make me have a white lightning hot flash of anger while driving:

This is me and my FJ in a picture from a couple years ago. I look friendly, but be warned: Don’t cut us off, it won’t go well for you…

#1. Let’s imagine that we’re driving along in close quarters at an okay speed. Then, you decide that you just really MUST be in my lane – like RIGHT. THIS. SECOND. So you swoop in front of me without bothering to use your blinker. Are you freaking crazy? The reason you have a blinker is to indicate to others around you where you’re going. USE IT. Otherwise you might end up with a big old dent on your pretty, pretty car. And my money’s on the FJ tearing your car up.

#2. So, traffic. Yeah, it is pretty terrible and everyone has somewhere they’d rather be. So as the other 1,000 people are sitting tight in gridlock trying to keep their mind off it with some old school dancing tunes, you’re the guy who doesn’t have time to wait. So like the huge crapbag that you are, you hop on over to the exit only lane and speed along so that you can cut into traffic at the last second (most likely without your blinker). Ooooh good for you! You totally passed like 25 cars with that smooth mood. And if the other drivers are anything like me, every single one of them is wishing that they could pound in your windshield with a baseball bat.

#3. Oh and you know that guy who is sooooo important that he needs to drive up the turn only lane. Well, when I actually AM USING that lane, he’s the one who is blocking everyone else from getting off the exit when he is stuck without a spot to merge in to. See, EVERYONE hates you dude. So why don’t you just cool your jets and sit in traffic with the rest of us?

#4. Speaking of merging, everyone does it. Well, I’m guessing they do, otherwise you’d just be stuck on one road for a really long time. Since everyone should know how to properly merge into traffic, they should also have an idea of how to act when someone is NICELY trying to merge in front of them. Looking away so that you’re not making any possible eye contact while inching as close to the bumper in front of you as possible is just a dick move. And when I’m sitting there, waiting patiently WITH MY BLINKER ON it pisses me off. So let me in, because I totally give a nice little smile and fluttery wave to show my thanks.

#5. I think that there is a special little place in traffic hell for the people who drive below the speed limit. When you can finally break free of the confines of traffic and shoot along at a typical pace of 55 – 70 mph, it is a shock to the system to suddenly be surprised by someone going 40. It’s a main road baby, if you’re too scared to drive on it you really need to find another route!

Okay, feeling a bit better now that’s off my chest. How about you, what is your traffic pet peeve that makes you want to get out a paintball gun and go to town on someone’s car?

*It was very hard to write this post without cursing, so I became a little imaginative with my insults.

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