Dear Reader: Let’s Talk about Wild Horse Sex

16 Aug

Dear reader who found my blog by searching for wildhorsesex,

Really?

You were really searching for wildhorsesex?

Why?

I mean, what reason could you possibly have for searching for wild horse sex?*

Are you interested in wild horses, or just how they mate? Perhaps you were wandering through the woods, stumbled upon a boombox playing “Let’s Get it On” and saw a couple filly’s snuggled together. Did you think, “hmmm, what comes next?” and then immediately google it to find out?

Or maybe you’re taking a trip to Assateague and want to know the warning signs on when the horses are feeling frisky so that you can cover your child’s eyes and run away?

If that’s the case, the magical search engines must have sent you my way for a reason. In July 2011 I actually witnessed wild horse sex. And wrote about it, of course, because that’s what bloggers do.

Here’s what I said then (if you’re too lazy or uninterested to read through the entire link and just want me to get to the good stuff. Sicko):

“The next day, the sea air put another horse in an amorous mood and I’m sad to say I witnessed horse sex from way closer than I ever would have wanted. And no, I don’t have a picture of that. Lea tried to get her camera out in time and run over to take a picture, but I sat on my blanket and laughed so hard that I started crying.”

So, I hope that quenched your thirst for knowledge. Sorry I didn’t take a picture for you. Actually, no I’m totally not sorry. It was gross and horrifying and now the image is stuck back in my mind. Thanks so much random reader.

You know what though; maybe we’re more alike that I initially thought. The other day I was randomly wondering how squirrels do it.

Not because squirrel schlong turns me on or anything. I’m not exactly sure what kind of person gets turned on by squirrel relations, but it’s definitely not me. I don’t know how the thought in my head even got there, it just did. I’m kind of a curious person.

Anyways, I whipped out my iphone and searched for “how do squirrels have sex”…

And you know what?

I’m not even the first person who has searched for that. The browser totally suggested the end of my question once I started with “how do squirrels…” so that’s kind of weird. Right?

Anyways, who would have ever guessed that the very first result would be a blog post called “Squirrels masturbate to avoid sexually transmitted infections.” Are you fascinated? Well, I totally was. And that is how I found myself clicking on various links to learn about squirrel sex.

So to my wildhorsesex reader, maybe you were just curious like I was. Or maybe you’ve got some kind of sick fetish. Probably one or the other.

Oh and speaking of curiosity. I’m sure you’re now curious to know the answer to how squirrels have sex…

{drumroll please}
The male displays his nuts.

Okay, that was totally a joke. Are you laughing? Well, I’m laughing so let’s just pretend that you let a little snicker out too.

Sincerely,
Joules

* And yes, I realized halfway through this rant that now anyone else who is searching for wild horse sex or even wildhorsesex will come to my blog. If this is you and you’re looking for some sort of instructions on how to entice wild horses to mate so that you can watch, please leave now. Just leave.

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12 Responses to “Dear Reader: Let’s Talk about Wild Horse Sex”

  1. JoulesDellinger August 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    Okay readers, I had SIX people find my blog today by searching for “wild horse sex”… If you found this by searching for wild horse sex, could you please, please, PLEASE leave me a comment telling me why????

  2. Frugalistablog August 18, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

    I did NOT find you through searching for ‘Wild Horse Sex”, but now I’m kinda sad I didn’t. I found you through Let Me Start By Saying. You are funny! I’m gonna stick around and read more, and it doesn’t even have to be about animals having sex. Or people. Having sex. It could be about pudding. Or thumbtacks. No sex. Whatever, I’ll read it.

    • JoulesDellinger August 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

      Thank you for stopping by! I love you. I know it’s soon and a little bit awkward, but I love you anyway.

      • Frugalistablog August 18, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

        Totally fine. Here, let’s hug long and awkward. And…go!

  3. Forever 51 August 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

    OK this made me pee in my pants-which I do quite often nowadays–I have been, along with another blogger friend of mine keeping a list of the weirdest funnies searches on my blog-I will post about it-yesterday was ‘Silver Balls like the ones in 50 Shades’ …um, Oh and I’ve seen horses copulate-not romantic AT ALL!

    • JoulesDellinger August 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

      I haven’t read 50 shades, but I can only imagine why they’re searching for silver balls… Or maybe they just want to decorate early for Christmas? Thanks for stopping by — I consider a little pee the greatest form of flattery!

  4. Wub Boo Mummy August 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    I didn’t find you by searching for wild horse sex, but I came to you via Let Me Start by Saying and she’s pretty sexy so maybe it’s the same thing.
    Then I had to stop myself from searching for wild horse sex because I was curious to see where your blog came in the search, but then I worried that I might get run over by wild horses or something and my loved ones would go through my browser history and see the whole wild horse sex thing and start thinking that maybe I wasn’t the person they thought I was, and then it would just get really awkward.

    • JoulesDellinger August 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

      Thank you for visiting — apparently Let Me Start by Saying has pretty much the coolest readers ever. =) Of course, now I’m worried that if something happens to me my husband will wonder why I was researching whether squirrels really get STD’s on my iphone…

      • Wub Boo Mummy August 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

        Your iphone gives squirrels STDs? I suggest you don’t let squirrels have sex with your iphone until your research is conclusive. Oh wait, that’s not what you meant was it?

  5. Happy Little Feet August 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Awesome blog. Frugalista suggested your site and she was right!

  6. Quirky Chrissy November 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    LOL! I love the random things that people search for. I’m waiting until I get a really good one to lay out the list I’ve been compiling for months. You had me rolling on the floor laughing. OK…maybe not on the floor…but there were laugh tears. (For the record, I did not Google “wild horse sex”…it was just there…on your blog…begging for me to click on it.)

    • JoulesDellinger November 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

      Awww yeah! Glad I gave you some laugh tears! =)

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